Honesty

My husband is flourishing in his new band. He adores the new singer, Andrea, whom I've yet to really meet. But when he talks to her and about her, his face lights up. It's a good relationship for him...one that just a few years ago would have sent me into a raging jealous fit. Now, I find myself happy that he doesn't just depend on me to bring him happiness.

I've been thinking about being consumed. I think one of the deepest human needs, in present day as it is, is to be heard. I'm not sure yet if it is a symptom of having all of our other needs easily met, or if it has sprung out of necessity...an evolution of sorts in personal growth.

The problem with teaching your kids to be open and honest about what they feel and think, is knowing that you are sending them into a world with others who haven't all been taught the same thing. People stand behind religious doctrine and ethics that were set in stone years ago instead of actively listening and communicating and thinking. We have been taught that some things shouldn't be expressed, some things should be kept inside, and I question why it is better to hold those things in just for the presumed comfort of another. We have been taught, through experiences as children, that our opinions make up who we are. To have those questioned or disagreed with is a personal affront. Very sad.

So when we meet someone who actively listens and doesn't pass judgment on our opinions or feelings but rather lets them stand for what they are, we want to be consumed by that person. Our entire lives have been created behind barriers, and now we have the opportunity to tear those down. We don't know how long it will last. We don't know if it will ever come again with another person. We want to be consumed, if only for a moment.

I've come to believe that teaching my children to be honest and open is still better, even if people don't always want to hear what they have to say, even if I don't always want to hear what my kids have to say. But I also think it is important to teach them that it isn't the way everyone else was raised.

Some people tell themselves they've taught their children to be honest, when really, they just want their children to be honest with them. They want to know things so they can protect their children, but are also nosy. If they really wanted their children to be honest, they would teach them ways to speak without tearing down another, but still maintain assertiveness. They would teach them to stand up for themselves and not accept that things are a certain way 'because I said so'.

Even up until a few months ago, I was very hopeless about finding people with whom to connect. I lived backwards...thinking back to my early years when the people around me were open and honest and had nothing to gain being otherwise...trying to please others had taken us down the road of abuse and disappointment. I think that's why I wrapped them around me in my thoughts and in my stories. I clung to the only time in my life it had been safe to let down the barriers. Now, I live my life everyday with the barriers down.

I've offended a few, but I'm working on my technique. I think that by living the way I do now, I've drawn people into my life whom I want to stay in it, instead of more people whom I complain about, and I prefer it that way. I may go unnoticed except by a handful of people but the handful that does acknowledge me and converse with me are the type of people I want in my life...people whom I think about and wonder what they would do in certain situations. That's a good place to be, a good way to live life. Instead of systematically dismissing the random thoughts of many, I'm pondering a few worthwhile discussions and thoughts of friends. My mind isn't cluttered and my feelings aren't desperate anymore.

I think it is possible to have friends who accept us as we are, imperfections and better ways, without being consumed and losing ourselves in the mix, only we have to be willing to live with all the ones who don't while we seek out with good ones.